Wondering
by Lemaris
Summary: Harry reminisces about the past year. He loves Lucius with all his heart but wonders if Lucius feels the same. It really is a rather sweet story.


**Title**: Wondering 1/1

**Author**: Blue Dream

**E-mail**: shadedron_lover@yahoo.com / shadedronheart@yahoo.com

**Disclaimer**: If Lucius and Harry were mine, I'd be the happiest girl on the planet! Unfortunately (sob) they belong to J.K. Rowling (sob) I wish they were mine!!! (cries)

**Pairings**: LM/HP

**Genre**: Romance/Angst?

**Rating**: R Version

**Warning**: Umm... Well, just a **tiny spoiler** (If there is such a thing) from **HP Book 5: OOTP.** Nothing else really. Maybe the very very very mild hints of torture?

**Summary**: Harry reminisces about the past year. He loves Lucius with all his heart but wonders if Lucius feels the same. It really is a rather sweet story. 

**A/N**: This is rather sweet and melancholic I say. I was sort of in a sad mood when I wrote this. It's a good thing I got happier by the end. This is my first Lucius/Harry story. Be gentle!

**A/N:** Due to the NC-17 ban on FF.Net I edited this fic. If you still find it to be rated NC17 please tell me. I do not wish to have to repost this again.

Please tell me what you think of this!

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I love Him.

I know that I love him with the deepest part of my soul.

And yet... sometimes... I wonder how I fell.

Though I suppose in a way it is rather cliche, the Slave falling in love with the Master and all that.

He was my Master in more ways than one.

He broke me more than any of the others were able to. He broke me mind, body, and heart. And yet... he still stole away my soul.

I wonder if he loves me even just a little bit...

~~~~~

I still wonder at times as I stand on the balcony of my room, gazing at the shimmering lake at night, how it is I fell so hard for him.

I suppose it started the day I was handed over to him by Voldemort. And that was after I had been broken and used by almost every Deatheater. I remember I became the perfect slave. Trained to obey my Master to the smallest detail without question.

I was rescued by the Order and yet, after a year of serving him, I was actually sad to go. 

He followed me and offered his services to Dumbledore in exchange for me. Dumbledore, who I've always known as manipulative, agreed. I was the price they paid for freedom. I would have thought the others would object but... not one of my friends did. Ron, Hermione, Tonks, Fred and George, not even the rest of the Weasely's. Hell not even Remus or Professor McGonagall objected. 

I wonder what Sirius would have done. Would he have betrayed me too? Or would he have fought for me? His death still hurts me, but at least... I am no longer alone and I no longer feel the crushing guilt I once carried.

Strangely enough, the one who objected was Snape. Rather strange one might say. The one person I thought would be happy about this was the one who was angry. He objected strongly and furiously. However, it didn't work and he was overruled by Dumbledore.

None of them could look me in the eye. I wonder if they saw their betrayal there... The pain of their betrayal cut deep in me. I had always known I was only a tool to be used ever since I heard that godforsaken prophecy and yet... for it to be confirmed so brutally... I guess a part of me had always hoped that they at least cared for me a little. But, as some people say, not all your hopes come true.

Well as prophesied, I did defeat Voldemort. Such a simple thing really, A gun to the temple incapacitated him while a thrown dagger dipped in every type of snake venom in the world finished him off. A Soul Trap and Destroy curse finished the job. Amazing how it was mostly muggle weapons that brought about his defeat.

After Voldemort's defeat, the Ministry rounded up all the deatheaters. Dumbledore full manipulations came out at the trial of my Master and Snape. He accused them of being deatheaters absolutely loyal to Voldemort. I can still see Snape's face when he heard Dumbledore's statement. The absolute betrayal and pain on his face, and the shattered look in his eyes. It was truly a chance of luck that Fudge didn't believe in my Master being guilty on account of all the money he would loose were that the case. He called everyone helpful he could think of to the witness stand. Obviously, I was the last witness. After all, I knew my word would decide the factor.

As I stood on the stand, I saw the hopeless expression the son of my Master, Draco Malfoy wore and the smirk my former best friend was directing toward him. I also saw the rest of the ones who betrayed me and their expressions. They all thought they knew what I would say. After all wouldn't I do anything to be free of my Master? I testified indeed and my testimony for my Master and Snape shocked the whole courtroom. I testified that both Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were spies who had been working for me exclusively in secret against Voldemort. I even went so far as to mention that they had been the ones who had come up with the way to kill Voldemort for good. 

It was hilarious seeing the faces of the Order of the Phoenix and the rest of the courtroom. They looked so shocked at my testimony as if they couldn't believe what they had heard. I looked at Snape who was staring at me in disbelief with his jaw dropped and gave him a blinding smile. I looked at my Master and shivered at the way he seemed to stare right through my soul. His face was completely expressionless but his eyes were smoldering with a strangely fiery glance. It burned into me and made me shiver in delight.

Dumbledore spoke to me later asking me why I had given that testimony. I looked at him with cold eyes and asked him if he really thought I would send two innocent men to jail for the sake of my freedom. He didn't seem to know how to answer. I smirked at him and walked away ignoring my former best friends who seemed to want to speak to me. I did not care in the slightest.

I walked away from them that day and I have never regretted it. I returned willingly to my Master.

And yet I still wondered if he loved me at all...

~~~~~

I remember a conversation I had with Severus about how I had given that testimony. I smirked and told him about a serpent ring I had found in the Chamber of Secret's belonging to Salazar Slytherin that made any truth potion, truth spell or lie detector null and void to the wearer.

He seemed so shocked after that, that I fell to the floor laughing.

Severus quit his post as a teacher at Hogwarts after the trial. He lives in his manor and creates hard and complex potions for several people for a high price. It is perfect because usually, only a Potions Master is able to create the potion he is asked to make. He also visits my Master and I often. He also tutors me in potions sometimes to my extreme frustration. I can never get the hang of it for some reason.

Draco and I get along quite well. He knows of my place at his father's feet but still treats me like an equal. As he says, 'Your situation with my father is none of my concern.' He is apprenticed to Severus.

It was later that year that we devised the perfect revenge for Dumbledore. We sent him an anonymous bottle of lemon drops that were mixed with a poison Severus created that was undetectable and merged it also with an undetected spell. It would only react to his magic signature and it would not leave a single trace in the dead body. It would kill him slowly and painfully activating about five days after he took a lemon drop. It would also leave him looking like he had died in his sleep peacefully. It was perfect.

~~~~~

Five days later the news of Albus Dumbledore's death rocked the Wizarding World. On one side in the crowded burial ground, four men stood silently. They smirked unnoticed and thought it was a fitting end for a betrayer and a manipulator.

~~~~~

The beauty surrounding the Manor always enchants me. Especially in the light of the full moon when the grounds are bathed in silver light. Taken in by the beauty and somber mood of the night, I take a beautiful golden flute from a velvet case. It was a gift from him to me. 

I begin to play. The high notes seem melancholic in the still of the night. I play a song I once heard a long time ago.

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_My wish is great; my wish is grand,_

_My wish is strong but just like sand._

_I wish I had my hearts desire,_

_As I wish I had my soul's fire._

_You broke me once so easily,_

_And yet still by your side I stay_

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_My heart and soul belong to you,_

_As you own the life I live now._

_You broke me like fragile glass,_

_And destroyed my dying hope,_

_And yet from hell you rescued me,_

_Enfolding me in your embrace._

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_You brought light to my sight,_

_When all I saw was darkness._

_You held me in the dark,_

_When all I felt was terror._

_You soothed my fears away,_

_Oh you were my shinning ray._

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_I wished upon a star and got what I wished for,_

_I wished upon a star, and I once wished for you._

It seems to fit what I think of him, what I gave him and what I offered him. Strange really, he was supposed to be the devil incarnate, and yet he became my shinning angel.

I still wonder if he loves me or not... I still wonder if he sees me as his lover or merely as a slave... 

I sigh.

I hear a slight noise behind me and I turn around.

There he is.

He wraps his arms around me and I lean into his embrace, letting his musky scent envelope me. 

His hands rest on my lower back and he leans down to capture my lips in a dominating kiss. I submit easily and open my mouth to let him ravish me. My arms rise to wrap around his neck tangling in his long silvery blond hair pressing my body closer to him.

He lifts me in his arms easily and caries me to his bed where he lays me down on black silken sheets.

And there, I loose myself... again in his arms.

~~~~~

**1,162 Words Missing. If you wish to read this part, go to my yahoo groups in my profile page. This part is rated NC-17.**

~~~~~

The boy dimly hears his lover mutter a cleaning spell before lying down beside him and pulling the sheets on top of them. Snuggling into the man's arms contentedly, he sighs as he feels a bit of his lover's seed slip out of his entrance. Breathing in his lover's scent, he descends into sleep slowly. He is suddenly jerked out of his doze by his lover's movement.

The man wraps his arms around the boy holding him closer to him. He whispers a few words softly into his lover's hair thinking him asleep. He is somewhat surprised when the boy suddenly sits up to look at him.

"You heard." It wasn't a question.

"Did you mean it?"

A sigh, "Yes I meant it."

"Lucius, I love you too. I love you with all my heart and soul."

"I love you Harry. Will you stay by my side forever?"

"Are you asking me to marry you?"

"No. I'm asking if you will bond your soul to mine."

".........."

"Harry? Love?"

"Say it again."

"Love?"

"Yes."

"Harry, Love, I love you more than life itself, will you agree to bond with me and me my soulmate forever?"

"Yes Lucius. I wanted that more than anything. More than anything in this world and beyond! I love you!"

"I love you too!"

~~~~~

Overhead a shooting star crosses the sky as the wish a little boy made long ago finally came true.

~~~~~

Ah yes... in his arms I will always feel safe. Forever together even after death. Finally I know that he loves me as much as I love him. I breathe in his scent as I listen to gentle beat of his heart letting it lull me into peaceful sleep. My last thought is that I finally have everything I have ever wanted. 

A family.

Friends.

And most of all, the love of my life! 

I'll stay by his side forever.

~~~~~

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_My wish is great; my wish is grand,_

_My wish is strong but just like sand._

_I wish I had my hearts desire,_

_As I wish I had my soul's fire._

_You broke me once so easily,_

_And yet still by your side I stay_

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_My heart and soul belong to you,_

_As you own the life I live now._

_You broke me like fragile glass,_

_And destroyed my dying hope,_

_And yet from hell you rescued me,_

_Enfolding me in your embrace._

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_You brought light to my sight,_

_When all I saw was darkness._

_You held me in the dark,_

_When all I felt was terror._

_You soothed my fears away,_

_Oh you were my shinning ray._

_I wish upon a star, as a child is wont to do,_

_I wish upon a star, as I once wished upon you._

_I wished upon a star and got what I wished for,_

_I wished upon a star, and I once wished for you_

_By Gryphon_

****FIN****

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**A/N**: Please don't get the song without asking me for permission. I own it exclusively.

**A/N**: By the way, this is definitely an Alternate Universe. Lucius never went to Azkaban meaning he was never caught at the Department of Mysteries. The rest of the stuff happened though, just like Sirius' death. I still can't quite believe she killed him! But it was needed here. I really wouldn't know what to do with him if he was alive here. By the way, Narcissa died in an attack.

**A/N**: I also don't really like Dumbledore. I think he's is very manipulative.


End file.
